I See You

I am who I am

            You say

I can’t, won’t, don’t know how to change

            You say

I am hard

I am strong

I am somebody

            You say

But I see through you

little one

Sitting there on the dirty

orange carpet with no milk

In the fridge

Tears running down your face

Terror in your eyes

Blood in your mouth

I see you

Baby child with no food

Trying to fit in

Without

A mother or father to provide

Food, love, or

A chance to make it

A chance to survive

I see you

Dreaming about becoming

Somebody special

Becoming a man

Becoming the hero

Becoming different than

The expectation, the rule

What they think you should be

I see you, little boy

With your

Fear of being hit

Fear of being left behind

Fear of fear itself, that unmanly

Emotion that you can’t feel no matter

How much you feel it.

Fear, the shame of feeling

The shame that men can’t feel

Can’t trust, can’t run from

I see you

Crying out for love

For something different

For a future

I see you

I acknowledge you

I care about you

I see you

Not as you see yourself

But I see you…I see you

As the someone you will be

I'm having a problem...

I thought that what I was doing would be accepted by everyone. I thought that what I was doing was amazing. I thought that EVERY American citizen would be interested in the difference between educated post-felons and non-educated current felons. I thought I would be respected....

I'm having a problem. I found out that not everyone believes in education for felons. Not everyone wants to divert state funds to educating people in jail. Not everyone believes they are worth anything more than a basic meal and a life spent away from society. Except- here is the problem- if they were

taken out of your community, they will eventually be put back into your community. You don't have a choice. You can't yell or tantrum your way out of changing this fact. It simply won't happen once they are out on parole. So, then by not accepting this change, you are  telling me you that you want the same drug addicted, high school dropout, father or mother to 3-4 kids by as many different partners on the streets. No? Yeah, I don't either.

See, here's the thing. I didn't get into this line of work because I wanted to martyr myself. I had NO information about this lifestyle prior to this job. I didn't know anything about gangs, tattoos, cultural expectations, or violence. I have been completely naive and stuck under the rock of natural selection. I admit this but I have seen a different side to life. I want to HELP them. I want to give them something to hang onto so that they can actually find work that will not only fulfill them but will give them a life they can be proud of.

I want to give them a future.

But I am finding it hard, no...really different... than what I anticipated. See, I thought, based on what I have been told, that I would be set up by the students so that they could get me into trouble. The problem is that this hasn't happened. The students have been ridiculously respectful, ready to work hard, get into the text and work like they never have before. The issue that I have been having is with the Deputies.

THEY HATE ME.

No, seriously, they hate me. The guy in the bubble that buzzes me in and out is so insulting, I want to run away. The two inmate trustees are awesome and respect me and want to make sure I am so absolutely protected that they tend to be a little overbearing, but in reality, I am the only thing they can protect, so they take it seriously. The CAs or Custody Assistants that I work with in this program are awesome and really into making sure that we are comfortable. But the reality is that 50% of the

Deputies are not happy. They hate what we do. They hate what we teach. They hate that we spend our time trying to educate people they think are not capable of being educated. They hate that the students are respectful and willing to work for me when they are really not interested in doing anything productive for the Deputies.

Yet, I have to maintain respect 24/7. I have to be their teacher, supervisor, counselor, fixer, confidante, role model, and maintain countless other roles that I have not necessarily been trained for. It's not so different than what I was doing before, but yet it is. I deal with a faction of the government that I never anticipated questioning and all the while, I am trying to teach and enlighten people that our society has given up on. I am trying to teach the "unteachable."

But, these guys needs metaphorical cheerleaders that are constantly telling them they can do whatever is in front of them. It is important. It has never happened in their lives. They need believers. We can be those believers. We can be the change.

Felons Love Macbeth??

You know that saying "when you expect it, they will bring it" (or something like that, it is Friday, so please bear  with me) well, my guys, ages 18-65, felons, some in there for 40+ life for all types of crimes, came into my English class on Monday not understanding what they were getting into and opening Macbeth. 

See, I had had most of them in the semester before and over time, they grew to trust me. They knew that I wasn't going to let them flail about and drown so they took a chance and requested my class again. (BTW: this doesn't happen very often) I front loaded a ton of info about the life of Shakespeare, the language, the feeling of the society, the background of King James I of Scotland and his love of witches- basically if I thought they would benefit from it, I was going to give them the information. 

But today, as I was looking around the room, hearing them analyze Act I, Scene 7, and snicker at Lady Macbeth's over manipulation and her way of stripping away Macbeth's masculinity, I knew that I had done my job, not only as an educator, but as a person that they can still count on to explain, show, answer, create analogies- they wouldn't drown even when it got a little harder and even when it was something they would never consider doing on the outside. It was an awesome feeling...

So...I teach in a Jail...

I am now teaching in a jail. A bit different and quite a story, but here is the thing...it's really not that much different! Most of my students struggle with learning, most have some type of learning disability that had gone unnoticed by their teachers, and most need to hear that they can accomplish something in school that is acknowledged with a star on their paper and an "Attaboy!!" verbal exclamation.

But- there are some interesting differences...

For one thing, most of my students look something like this guy. All have tattoos somewhere and some of the more prominent gang members have tattoos on their scalps, their faces, on their ears, necks, fingers, and virtually any place they can have one, they usually have one.

They also flash gang signs to guys walking by, and some have been in hard state prisons for years at a time. Some are just waiting to be sentenced and hoping that they can show the judge improvement by going to school. Some are terrified that they will be away from their wives and children for years and their kids will grow up like they did, without their fathers to help them wade through the very real danger of gangs and murder on the streets.

I don't ask them about where they came from or why they are there. Some will tell me though and their stories are always so heartbreaking. I feel badly for these guys. Most grew up without stable parents, some were foster kids in and out of the system. Some were horribly abused and some watched their parents abuse drugs and alcohol. All of them were searching for something when they were arrested and usually that something is a quick dollar because they didn't finish school and couldn't get a job that made their family enough money to survive. Drugs became a way out, both financially and literally but most couldn't deal without being a part of a gang and so that is what they did- because they had to and because for many of them, it was the first real family that they had. Except it is difficult to just "dabble" in a gang. If you are a part of one, you become a true part of one and you must participate in everything that goes along with it...

So...I teach in a jail...and it's not that different, except it is...