The Controversy between Red Dye#40 and ADHD

Another issue floating around regarding ADHD has to do with the addition of Red Dye #40 into many of the food choices available for children.

The FDA recently concluded a study of children with ADHD trying to find a possible link between food dye and hyperactive behavior. The government sponsored advisory panel reached the conclusion that there is no direct link between food dyes and increased hyperactive behavior. However, it has been noted that many of the studies that were used to come to this conclusion were inherently flawed because the tests were either skewed due to the formula used or the quantity of dye in each test. Because there were no set levels or single dyes used in any of the tests, the panel was unable to come to a decision. (See Full Report HERE)

It should be noted, though, that the European Union decided to ban specific dyes from food imported from the United States or produced in the Union in 2007 and required products that included other food dyes to place a warning label in plain sight of the consumer.

So, what does that mean to us parents of kids with ADHD? Can we determine that hyperactivity is either exacerbated by food dye or that it can even cause ADHD symptoms in kids who don't have clinically diagnosed ADHD? Scientifically speaking- no, we can't determine that there is a direct and sure link between food dye and ADHD.

However, as a parent to a child who would become extremely violent within 20 minutes of eating something with Red Dye #40, I can tell you that I found a connection, one that was very disturbing and frightening to witness. Now, my child can be extremely hyperactive, I admit that in every way but he has never been violent towards me or intended to hurt me. I have never seen his eyes go from the bluest blue to full, black pupils except when he has eaten something with Red Dye #40. How do I know it is from the Red Dye? Because I didn't change anything else in his diet. And my son did not spontaneously decide to kick me and bite my arm that was around him for the hour prior to his "treat." Because I started keeping notes about what he ate and his reactions and noticed that a trend started to come through...anything with Red Dye #40 not only enhanced his hyperactive behavior, it even added an element of violence and determination to hurt those in his path of destruction.

I couldn't stop this behavior even though I tried everything in my arsenal of tricks and every possible calming method I knew. I put him in time outs, took away his toys, even had his father come home to physically hold him so he wouldn't hurt us, the animals, or himself. He didn't calm down until he physically exhausted himself and when we realized this, we would take him to the track and let him run it out. Sometimes this would take anywhere between 30 minutes to 2 hours of just running back and forth, helping him metabolize the dye in his body to where it didn't affect him as much.

Of course, some people did not believe me, especially my parents and in-laws and still gave him foods with red-dye...that is until they were watching him after giving him said food and had to handle the fall out themselves instead of just sending him back to us before the tornado hit. After they were able to see first-hand how it affected him, they agreed with me and honored our wishes to stop giving him food with added food dye.

For us, this meant changing the way we did things. Yes, it was hard to change what we ate, where we went out to dinner, saying "no" when he wanted that strawberry ice cream cone or yogurt from a friend's house. It meant packing his lunch with food that required greater preparation and close reading of items from the grocery store. In fact, it even meant that we needed to completely change the places we shopped and the dinners we made. Instead of popping into Vons or Ralphs and picking up a microwave entrée and rewarding him with McDonald's, we had to consciously plan our meals, looking through condiments and throwing away perfectly good food, declining party invitations, even bringing our own cupcakes to friend's birthday parties.

So, yes, it was hard.

But the effect was immediate. He stopped reacting so oddly after eating food, even food that are considered treats, such as candy or ice cream. He was able to feel better and although he realized that he was different than his peers, it didn't seem to bother him, especially after he ate a cupcake with Red Dye #40 by accident one day and went into crazy mode. After he came out of it and had some space, he actually told me he didn't like how he felt after eating the cupcake and he didn't like not having control over his actions or thoughts. I think he was about four and a half at this point and he hadn't had anything with Red Dye in about 6 months. It was the validation that I was looking for to prove to me the connection between Red Dye and ADHD.

Look, you can do what you want to do with your child, that goes without saying, but if there was a chance, even a small chance that you could help your child be more successful or less hyperactive, wouldn't you want to help him or her? If there was a chance to bring some calmness to your house and less chaos, isn't it worth it to try? Besides, it is not like you are completely changing every thing your child eats, you are just swapping their favorite foods with dyes with different brands of similar food that don't have these additives in them. Why not give it a chance?

Finding a Currency that WORKS!

How many times have you heard from all those "parenting experts" (I really just don't get that title...aren't we all parenting experts or experts-in-training when we have kids?...anyway) that to improve your child's behavior, all you need to do is find their "currency" so they can learn about the consequences for their behavior?

'Cause I sure have...more time than I can count.

I agree with it to an extent. Think about it, if you are able find what your child cares about, you can use it to help them think about and monitor their own behavior, while acknowledging the consequences for their actions.

But what happens when your ADHD child doesn't really have a "currency"? What happens when they don't have genuine, deep connections to objects or material items? What happens when you finally find their currency and after a couple of attempts to control their behavior through restricting their currency, they loose interest and don't care about it anymore? Or what happens when that currency is either reading or playing outside?

Let me share with you some stories of myself when I was younger in an attempt to explain what happens when you try to control behavior through a child's "currency"....

When I was around 7, my mother started to require my participation with the family chores. I was supposed to feed the dog and empty the dishwasher. She thought, as many parents do, that an allowance would motivate me and make me want to complete the chores in a timely manner so I could do fun things, like see a movie, with my friends. However, she did not bargain for the fact that money didn't really interest me and my desire to go out and do fun things did not overpower my disinterest in doing my chores. She then tried a sticker chart to visually show me what I could earn if I did my chores. She changed the currency to a toy, one that I had been very vocal about wanting. But as soon as that toy became the prize for doing my chores, I didn't care about it anymore. She took it one step further and said that for every chore I didn't do, I would have to spend 10 minutes in my room after school. No problem!! I loved reading and would gleefully curl up with a book, thus avoiding my homework at the same time while serving my punishment. Pretty sweet deal if you ask me!!

To be honest, I never really had a material currency, and if I did, it was watching TV after school to decompress and re-charge my dopamine and serotonin levels. But I could even go without TV since reading did the same thing for me. What did work was saying that it had to be finished by the time we left to go somewhere. One of my OCD tendencies is to obsess about the time we needed to leave. If you say we have to leave in 15 minutes, we need to leave in 15 minutes and any later meant my anxiety would go into overdrive. If my mother said my chores had to be completed before we left and we were leaving in 15 minutes, you better believe I would get those chores out of the way before we left.

My advice is to not too much stock in trying to find your child's physical currency, instead, try to figure out what they focus on and what needs to be "right" in their little internal world for them to feel calm. As weird as it sounds, you need to use that need to your advantage. If your child is obsessive about rules, make it rule they must do BLANK. If they love going outside to play, they need to make sure that BLANK is finished before this.

This can even work for inappropriate behavior. For instance, my son hates to clean the bathroom floor. I know this and reserve this chore as a punishment to add to his other chores. He has three strikes in the morning and then we start over in the after noon. Strike 1 is a warning, Strike 2 is the loss of his dessert, and Strike 3 means that in addition to putting his backpack away, feeding the animals, doing his homework, and putting away his clean clothes, before he goes to bed that night, he has to clean the bathroom floor. He knows this because it has been a part of our routine for a couple of months now. But, if he started to outgrow this chore and I had to change it, I would do it slowly so he could get used to a new routine and then it would become normal. Flipping out or throwing a tantrum only serves to increase the amount of time he has to help me clean on the weekend.

This can help create a sense of expectation about behaviors accepted or tolerated and also provide your ADHD child with a connection to a feeling or internal checks and balances instead of checking out the entire process all together. And if it doesn't work, you can always keep changing it, trying new things until it does! We are "parenting experts-in-training" after all...its a constant work in progress!

The Other Side of ADHD- Hyper Focus!

Most people who are aware of ADHD or have some experience with a person with ADHD, they can all recognize the hyperactive elements. The inability to stop moving, getting up, the impulsive behavior, and even the need to constantly talk or be the center of attention. However, the hyperactive behavior isn't the only reaction that comes from a person with ADHD. Sometimes, when a person becomes really interested in something or really involved in creating something, they become hyper-focused.

This hyper-focus allows them to stay on one task for hours on end, trying to either perfect something, accomplish something, or come to the end of the activity they find fascinating or challenging. When this happens, it can be extremely difficult to get their attention, even impossible in some situations where the activity requires all a person's senses.

I find this type of focus fascinating and although I can recognize when I get into the "zone," as my husband calls it, it is especially interesting to see my extremely hyper seven year old focus in on creating a huge multi-dimensional lego jet bomber. All of a sudden, his need to move shuts off, his need to be stimulated quiets down, and he sits in one spot for hour at a time, methodically piecing together this incredibly difficult airplane without even the need to tap his foot. He will be like this for as long as it takes to completely finish it, even if it takes three days. 

It is so hard to get his attention because he replies, "Wait a minute Mom, I just need to ______________ (insert the next step here)" While I respect his need to finish the task at hand, since I can recognize this intense, almost uncontrollable need to complete the task, it becomes difficult to get him to accomplish ANYTHING! I have had to actually pry a half-completed lego formation from his clenched hands so he can go to sleep. But then, he will come out a half of a dozen times to "tweak" his creation and it goes back and forth until the end. 

Now, when he finally DOES finish it, he can put it to the side and forget about it. He doesn't play with it, or even care if it gets destroyed. For him, it is the PROCESS of building the lego formation, not the end result. As his Mom though, I can be proud of him and his ability to complete something like this and be content knowing that when he does find something that speaks to him, he will likely see it through- we just need to get him through those other less appealing tasks required of him by education!

ADHD: Different Symptoms Does Not Equal Different Disorders

Many people are aware of ADHD and whether they believe in the prevalence of the disorder or not, there is no denying that some kids have something different going on with them. But many people don't understand the umbrella of symptoms that can be seen in ADHD kids or the additional disorders that can be associated with ADHD.

Let me explain- ADHD exists in the part of the brain that is also responsible for controlling sensory feedback, controlling thoughts, anxiety, and depression. Since it basically a chemically based disorder that relies on the levels of Dopamine and Serotonin in the brain and is found in the same area, it can "borrow" symptoms from these other disorders. Children with ADHD can have some obsessive compulsive tendencies or become anxious a lot faster and easier than children without ADHD. They can become depressed and even have ticks like children with Tourettes Syndrome do. That does not necessarily mean that is their Primary disorder, it just means that children with ADHD can show symptoms of these other disorders, yet have their primary diagnosis as ADHD.

It is important that parents and teachers acknowledge the possibility that their kids or students can exhibit other symptoms and they should keep track of them because the chance of developing a secondary disorder from the above disorders is higher than children without ADHD. Kids like my 7 year old can have the primary ADHD diagnosis early on and then start exhibiting another disorder that needs to be addressed with additional medication. We will be starting medication for his Generalized Anxiety Disorder symptoms soon due to the severity of it, yet we have managed his Sensory Integration Disorder symptoms through cognitive behavioral therapy. It really depends on what the child is experiencing and the options available to help those symptoms.

As a teacher to high school students, I generally see ADHD with some other diagnosis. Most of the time, it is anxiety or depression yet I have seen a Gifted student with ADHD exhibit some Asperger's symptoms with OCD tendencies. We address the issues that come up and help students monitor their own symptoms to determine what they need help with. Sometimes this means therapy, sometimes this means medication, and sometimes this means increasing their self-awareness about their triggers and learning how to avoid them. 

Since each child is different, they will require different methods and therapies, but I urge parents and teachers to become educated about the different disorders that exist within the ADHD umbrella so they can identify their child's combination of symptoms and respond accordingly.

College: Which Colleges Provide the Best Services for ADHD and Learning Disabilities?

If you read my post about what college options look like after high school, you will be aware of the lack of understanding and/or education about what is available for kids with ADHD or learning disabilities. This really isn't the student's parents fault because many of the high school counselors don't really know about the available programs or services out there. And it really isn't the school counselor's fault either since they are usually not in the classroom and are maybe not as aware of the student's struggles are or what their IEP or 504 plan states.

So...where can we look to place the blame? Well, how about we don't blame anyone and instead, focus that energy into looking for programs and colleges that provide comprehensive services to students who need them. What if we start looking at the potential of these students instead of automatically placing them in the "Junior College Only" category? Because these kids shouldn't be overlooked or opted out because they have different needs or even more needs than other students- they should be given the same opportunity that other students have so that they can feel the success that comes from attending a school that empowers them instead of shaming them.

Through my research about such programs and talking to parents who have come before me and done some of the initial leg-work, I have come up with a couple of amazing programs that help bridge the gap between Parent's house and Independent Living, some options that help provide a smaller stepping stone between living at home and living out the world by themselves. If you have any other suggestions, I would LOVE to hear about them so that we can create a comprehensive resource for parents, counselors, and even the students themselves.

Landmark College:

Landmark College is an Associate Degree program in Vermont that provides students with a comprehensive education that has been designed specifically for students with dyslexia, ADHD, and ASD. Students learn that the WAY they learn is as important as WHAT they learn and start educating themselves accordingly. This program focuses on proven strategies for students who need adaptive teaching methods and technology based teaching. Students learn how to self advocate as well as coping skills that benefit them both in school and in real life.

Michael from Scaggsville, MD says that "(He) only had three other options: return to Franklin and Marshall, return to community college, or stay home and get a job. I chose Landmark. I have loved it. At Landmark, they teach you about yourself and what your strengths and challenges are and how to overcome those challenges by focusing on your strengths."

Check out more at http://www.landmark.edu/ or email them at admissions@landmark.edu

Menlo College

This is a top business school in the Silicon Valley, California and name "Best in the West" by Princeton Review for two years. The best part about these amazing distinctions is that Menlo also provides extensive services for students due to their amazing 14:1 student to faculty ratio. These services can be from simple tutoring to a personal faculty liason for students who need interventions and specific help from the teachers. Students say that this personal connection with their professors is one of the main reasons why they are so successful because "no one will leave them behind."

Check out Menlo College at http://www.menlo.edu/
and email questions to admissions@menlo.edu

Beacon College

Beacon College is a four year college in Leesburg, Florida that provides degree programs for students with dyslexia, ADHD, and those on the autism spectrum. Students have the opportunity to study Business Management, Computer Information Systems, Interdisciplinary Studies, Human Services, and Psychology. What makes Beacon unique is their belief that all students, regardless of their disabilities, can achieve a four year degree that provides them with the stepping stone necessary for most American young adults trying to make it in a world where a B.A. is a necessary trade mark of a career driven person.

Andrea Cornick, 2013 graduate, said "What I love about Beacon College is the fact that it gives you a chance to shine and prove to yourself and others that you are capable of achieving more than your best expectations. Beacon College is the place to make your academic dreams come true."

Learn more about Beacon College at http://www.beaconcollege.edu and email them at admissions@beaconcollege.edu.

College Living Experience

I am actually really excited to talk about College Living Experience because I know for a fact how much good it can do for my students and their parents. College Living Experience is a program that helps students with ADHD and Executive Functioning Disorders attend school at either a four year university or community college and participate in a live-in program that provides structure and regulations for students. They have specific meetings they must attend, such as tutoring hours, study hall, and social and academic workshops to increase their skills, housekeeping presentations, and living skills classes. These services provide students with a stepping stone between their parent's house and living completely independently. Students are able to participate in any of the services that are provided, however students are also expected to start the process of understanding what it takes to function on an independent basis. I think it is such a great chance for college students to find out how to be successful away from home yet still learn how to make a difference in their own lives by self-advocating for their needs.

Contact College Living Experience at http://experiencecle.com and call them at (800) 486-5058.

College: What does it look like for the ADHD student?

This map of the top colleges and universities in the United States is the typical expectation of post-secondary education for most American students. But what happens when a student has learning or executive functioning disabilities that prevents them from attending these top colleges? Where can they go and receive support, tutoring, counseling, or classes about living skills? What happens when they are ready to move out, but not ready to be out in the world?

I am just starting out on this college counseling journey, wading through opportunities, and looking at different ideas and support for potential college students. Then, I started to look carefully at my own students who come into my school with a significant disadvantage before they even begin to LOOK at what college means. Due to their ADHD or learning disabilities, social or emotional disabilities, or even psychological issues, parents just want their children to graduate high school and college isn't even on the radar.

But something happens at our school....when there are smaller classrooms, teachers who understand their struggles and seek to work with their deficiencies instead of becoming annoyed, and a chance for them to succeed and then, they actually start to feel successful. All of a sudden, their grades go up, they begin to make their way out of the fog of "Can't" and into a situation where college - and dare I say - a FOUR year college instead of just a community college -  is actually within reach. 

However, the parents are still stuck in survival mode, where they are the motivator, the demander, the threat. When I approach them about potential college plans, they always say, "Oh no no no - I don't think s/he is quite ready for such a challenge and I would prefer s/he just stay at home and complete a couple classes toward an AA degree." I get it- I honestly do! I realize what it is like to parent a kid, deal with the daily issues, defiance, lack of motivation, even struggles with addictions or partying. 

I don't know their history with the student who I see try every day in my classroom. I am not at home with them during the knock down drag out fights but I can see amazing growth in just a few months. I see them start to participate, feel good about an "A" grade, and see them unfold themselves into mutually beneficial and positive relationships with their peers. I see their eyes light up when I talk to them about potential college plans and go through their "Getting Ready For College Worksheets." 

I am trying to increase their self-concept about what they are capable of and that doesn't mean putting out of reach college or universities that are popular but are not a great fit for them. This means doing the research to find programs that will support their writing assignments, social programs that help kids who need a push to increase their social skills, a psychiatric program that is available for students who need additional psychiatric care. 

That is my job and it isn't just about helping my students get into the top universities, it is about helping them get into and attend the RIGHT university. I hope that when my 7 year old and 2 year get old enough for a college counselor, that they will not be drawn by the glittery lights of the Big Universities but will find something that speaks to them and says, "You will fit in here, this is the place to start your adulthood." 

I hope that your kids or students do as well...

It's Been a DAY!

The Top 3 Reasons I Want to Run and Hide During the First Two Weeks of School

#1- My anxiety riddled son has a VERY hard time adjusting to a new routine. For him, routine is everything and since he can't tell time very well, he depends on what he is expecting to happen next based on a tight routine. So when we change from camp to school, it trips him out and creates a much more difficult environment to keep him calm. The first two weeks of school are the worst. Really...if I could fly to an alternate universe and come back after the storm is over, I would.

#2- When he gets set off, it sets me off too and I have to struggle harder than usual to keep myself in a calm, understanding place where I can guide him but still be compassionate and accepting of his quirks that seem to blossom into gigantic issues overnight.

#3- Why in the every loving hell is it so so so HOT the first two weeks of school. Today is the hottest day of the ENTIRE year and living in a 1921 bungalow without insulation or central AC during a 100+ degree heat wave makes me want to stab the first person who touches me and slimes against me with a sharpened spork.

I'm the surly teenager....

Planting the Seeds of Self Control

I've been counseled by my therapist to create situations where our son is able to acknowledge where he might be spiraling out of control and then correct his reactions to meet the spiral with confidence and acceptance.

Great plan...I love it! Come home and do if for me!

In all actuality, teaching my ADHD/anxious son how to control those uncontrollable emotions that he absolutely can not control is the hardest job I have ever had. I don't know exactly where to start...Do I approach him when he is just starting to lose it, using phrases such as, "Is this situation worth getting so upset over?" and "Do you think getting this upset with help anything?" This could work, or it could create a potential storm of denial and refusal- it is really a roll of the dice. I could talk to him using safe words while in the middle of a spiral, like "You are Ok" "I am here" "You need to calm down in your bedroom" but he doesn't really hear what I have to say and if he does, he ignore it because it is not what he wants to hear or do at that moment. My other option is to just ride it out, let him scream it out until he is exhausted and can come back to a place of calmness. Each choice has its merits and I can appreciate the skills he can learn from each of them.

However, usually these spirals happen on Fridays, (TGIF right??) when he is absolutely exhausted and has been pushed to the limit to be perfect during the days so his school friends only see his sweet side, not his emotional side. (CLICK HERE TO READ ABOUT THE AFTERNOON MELTDOWNS) These spirals are 10x the afternoon meltdown and take a good amount of time to decompress from. These are the nights where my husband and I just look at each other and hug. It is tough. There are no positives during these explosions, nothing where I can come back and say he learned something. These spirals are pure exhausted emotion, nothing else. Or, if there is something else, it is completely subconscious and I do not know what is that deep within him. Because of this, I am usually not sure what the best approach is. If it is just an afternoon meltdown, I can handle that, I know that and understand that- but this is on a much bigger scale. My fear is that this turns into a violent confrontation because he can throw his body around and resist with all of his weight.

If you were to look at him, interact with him, teach him, be friends with him, even grandparent him, you wouldn't see this. It is a hidden behavior, one that he only unleashes on my husband and myself. If I try to video him, he will throw shoes at me, throw himself at me, and try whatever he can to rip the phone out of my hands. If I take away all of his toys (which I have done now twice) he shows no interest or remorse. If I take away his outside time, he goes crazy and I know that I have found my currency for him. But at what cost? Should you continue to punish the venting of emotions? Does this require punishment?

I am not sure and this is the reason why I only punish the behaviors that can hurt other people and not for screaming into a pillow. I punish for throwing shoes but not for crying. I punish for trying to bite me but not for stomping his feet. I believe that those are the real skills I am in the middle of teaching my son. The skills on how to feel his emotions, but not vent them on someone else, the skill of getting angry and letting go of complete feelings of frustration but not becoming violent toward the person trying to calm him, the skill of yelling but not throwing things.

When it comes down to it, I know what he is feeling, I have had those same explosions and the feeling of being so out of control that it is frightening. My parents gave me a room where I could scream and yell and get out the physical aspects of a spiral without hurting anyone. I hope to provide him with the same. I loved my parents and loved everything they did for me and with me. I truly did not want to hurt them but I didn't have control over some of the stuff my brain was going through. I know it is the same for my son and I hope to guide him through these experiences with the knowledge that it REALLY will be him gauging his own actions and reactions eventually. I hope to also provide him with the outlets for controlling these emotions. Right now, I play softball and work out some frustration creating products for Teachers Pay Teachers but when I was in grade school- I was only in ballet and it was too soft, too easy, not physical enough for me to vent these emotions. I needed something more and once I became involved in softball, I saw a HUGE reduction in my reactions.

So- here is MY plan...J will play soccer in the fall, Tae Kwan Do in the winter, baseball the spring, and then take swimming during the summer. Every three months there will be a new sport for him to practice and perfect. I will still try to help him in the moment and give him ways to understand what is happening to him after it happens to help him recognize his triggers and reduce the severity and number of episodes he experiences. Hopefully using these two methods, we can help him realize how to prevent the spirals before they happen.

All About the Afternoon Meltdown...

"J is the most amazing kid I have ever met," Mrs. K, his Kindergarten teacher told me during our first parent-teacher conference. "I can't believe how helpful, empathetic, and sweet he is! If only every child was as great as he is, our world would be an amazingly calm place."

I just smiled and nodded, all the while re-creating his afternoon meltdown yesterday that lasted 2 hours, had our entire house in chaos, the dog shaking, and all of us on edge and ready to snap. For years I have never completely understood how my child can create such complete chaos at home after school but during school, he is this different child- full of compassion, sweet sentiments, and perfect behavior. However, after talking to some other parents whose ADHD kids also have afternoon meltdowns, I think I understand it a little bit better.

See, ADHD uses Serotonin and Dopamine faster than regular brains do. Even though some ADHD medications help increase these two chemicals, kids with ADHD have been shown to use these chemicals twice as fast as usual. These two chemicals are responsible for many different responses and reactions, including happiness and attentiveness and when these levels drop, kids can experience a multitude of reactions such as out of control emotions or "zoning out."

My kid's response is out of control emotions. This results in afternoons and evenings of crying and tantrums from different results than expectations, flailing arms and legs after saying "no" to what he wants, and screaming and hysteria over situations that are relatively minor. I always shook my head, convinced that this was simply a behavioral issue, but I think it is a response to low Serotonin and Dopamine levels in his brain. I don't think he can control these emotions any more than I can control the need to correct someone's grammar- is a compulsive activity that he needs to emote out or else lose control of himself completely.

 

The exception of such reactions is during school. During those 8 hours, he is such a great kid! He follows directions, cleans up after himself and other children, tries so hard to follow the rules and learn what he needs to in order to be on level with everyone else. I think that since he tries for eight hours straight, never letting himself break down over a disappointment or different results, he needs to let it go somewhere and what better place then at home where everyone will continue to love him regardless?? Unconditional love and a feeling of complete safety are apparently the necessary elements to complete breakdowns and chaotic evenings.

*Big long deep sigh* 

I love the kid. He is my life and my little boy, but man-oh-man, these nights are difficult to deal with day after day. Honestly, I am surprised my neighbors haven't called CPS yet with the way he screams sometimes. But I guess if it had to happen somewhere, at least it can happen here at home where, when it ends and he calms down, we can dry his tears, tell him that no matter what, we love him, and we hope tomorrow can be a better day...

I Refuse to Engage in Battle Today

Or...."Seriously J? How many times do I have to ask to you to stop playing around and get your shoes on????"

Every morning is a battle between J's ADHD and what needs to be accomplished in the morning. I don't give him his Vyvanse until about 7:30 so from the time he wakes up until when we get into the car to go to school, we are engaged in an epic battle of mythical proportions.

Sometimes, I can manage to get him in the car without a tantrum, screaming, crying, yelling, disrespect, and losing my temper. Other times....well, let's just say I wouldn't be surprised if some concerned citizen walking their dog past my house at 7:40 would be concerned enough to have CPS check up on us. And to be honest, if I heard what was going on inside my house, I would be too.

See, J can yell with the best of them. I swear that kid has an amplifier in his vocal chords. When he is fighting me or does not feel like doing what I ask him to do, he yells. Sometimes at me, sometimes about me, sometimes neither. But he yells and screams like he is being severely punished. What do I do? I very quietly and quickly put him in his room and close (or slam!) the door to get him into a safe, secure environment. But J is also very concerned about losing his privileges and this leads to screaming, demanding questions about whether or not he lost his dessert or play time in the afternoon and evening. This also leads to crying and throwing things, which of course leads to more lost privileges. It is a never ending cycle and one that frankly, I am sick and tired of doing with him.

Last week, I came up with a plan that I hope will work. I bought J a water gun, something he has been wanting for about 2 years. I put it up above the refrigerator and then created a behavior template with two spots, one for the morning and one for the afternoon and evening. He loves baseball and understands the three strike and you are out concept so I included that too. Basically, he has three chances in the morning before he has to write an "X" in that box. If he is able to get in the car without that third strike, when he gets home, he can put a star sticker in that box. Same goes for the evening. He has three chances before he has to write an "X" in the evening box. If he has more stars than X's by the end of the week, he has earned his super soaker water gun.

I hate to be a bribing Mom, but honestly, I couldn't fight him any longer. If something is going to help, I am going to try it. He needs a visual reminder that he is doing well or not but he also needs to be able to feel successful. I hope this will work!! If it doesn't --- well, let's not go there yet, I don't have a Plan B right now!

"You are just a bad parent"

A lot of parents don't really like to talk about their children's diagnosis of ADHD. I understand why, I mean, it isn't exactly an accepted disorder. MANY people have come out and said that they don't even believe that ADHD exists or that anyone, let alone CHILDREN should be medicated *self-righteous gasps all around* Many of the typical responses I hear tend to be about discipline- "You need to discipline that child! Then he will listen!" or "If that were my kid, his butt would be black and blue!" or my favorite "Well, obviously, you just don't know what you were doing, if he was MY kid, you better believe I would get him to behave."

Yeah....ok...please have at it! I usually offer them my son for the next two days without meds and then they can talk to me about my parenting abilities or philosophy.

I simply do not understand this point of view. Do these people honestly think that I am choosing this for my child? That I ENJOY that he has this disorder especially considering I struggle with this as well on a daily basis?? Do they honestly think that I enjoy the absolute chaos my son can create or the misery that he can inflict on every member of our house?

Given the choice, I would HAPPILY have a child who would sit quietly in the restaurant without getting up every 2 minutes. I would HAPPILY have a child who would not be so impulsive that he can't think about how flying off the couch may hurt him. However, what I don't usually tell these people who scoff and look down on us from their exceedingly high horses is that my son memorized most of the dinosaurs scientific names, what they eat, when they lived, and how they looked by the time he was 3 1/2 or that his vision is so fast because his brain processes so quickly and he can catch and hit any ball in baseball at 7. I don't tell them that he has the most unbelievable empathy and compassion for animals and he loves his sister to the ends of the earth.

Yes, my son is difficult and stubborn and incredibly impulsive but he is also so unique and can build huge symmetrical space shuttles or vehicles out of Legos without instructions. I can't do that! I bet their children can't either! My point is that ADHD does not define my son, nor does the fact that he takes medication. What does define him is that he lives his life completely and fully, embracing every day as an opportunity for fun and adventure.

Why Can't I Stop, Mom?

I get a lot of people asking me when I realized my son, now 7, had ADHD. I always try to frame my answer in a way that does not seem like I simply wanted to run out, find a pediatrician who would listen to me and then medicate him to "calm him down."

So let me backtrack and maybe explain why and when I realized that if he didn't have ADHD, we were all on our way to the looney bin!

J was born in May of 2006. Even when he was in my belly, he kicked non-stop. It was to the point that I had black and blue marks on the OUTSIDE of my stomach. Yeah, it was pretty bad. Then, when he was born after 38 hours of labor via emergency c-section, he didn't stop kicking. I know a lot of people say that all babies kick, but seriously. He NEVER.STOPPED.KICKING.EVER!! He kicked those legs so often and for so long I had to swaddle him in 2 large blankets to get him to stop. J had GERD (Gastro-esophogeal reflux disorder) and he threw up about 1/2 of everything he ate for almost 18 months. He had to sleep on an incline and 2x I came into him almost suffocating on his own vomit. Lets just say it was pretty much torture for a good year and a half.

But then, at about 14 months, J started walking. Great right? I mean, it gave us some time to get to know this kid without worrying that he was going to throw up on us and it was so cute how he was toddling around on his long, skinny legs. But wait!! One day after he started to walk, he ran. I mean, RAN! I turned my back for a second and off he went like a rocket! And he never stopped running. Everywhere he went, he ran like Forrest Gump. I couldn't get him to take a breath.

When he was about three, we would take him to the park or to his grandparent's house and he would run the kids into the ground with his energy. We would walk three miles around the Rose Bowl and he would come home and run up and down the streets for another three hours. One time, we counted as he ran around the perimeter of our house 60 times. Yes, sixty times. We had to tell him to stop and he wasn't even tired.

But it wasn't just the running or the energy. He had no impulse control. He would climb on top of the couch and fly off onto the cushions over and over again. He would have epic, three hour long screaming tantrums without the ability to calm himself down. He would become violent if he ate anything with Red Dye 40, he would not stop getting up, jumping, singing, screaming, poking, throwing things. He couldn't sit still long enough to even color a page or watch a movie. J was constantly on the move.

When I brought up the possibility of ADHD to his pediatrician, I didn't hear "No" or that it "wasn't possible at his age." I heard, "Well, we could try meds." Unlike a lot of parents, I didn't cringe or refuse. I actually sighed in relief. My son was starting to realize that he wasn't like the other kids and he would get into trouble a lot. He didn't like the feeling of being so out of control. He would come home, depressed because he couldn't manage like the other kids. When he asked me at age three and a half, "Why can't I just stop and listen, Mommy?" it broke my heart.

I gave him his first dose of Adderall right after his fourth birthday. That was the day he colored his very first picture. I cried and kept the picture and kept him on his meds. We have switched him to Vyvanse after the dose of Adderall kept getting higher and that was the indication that Adderall wasn't the right medication for him. He has been on 40mg of Vyvanse for almost a year now without the need to adjust or increase and he also takes 5mg of Adderall in the afternoon that lasts until he goes to sleep.

When people ask why I put him on meds or why I had him diagnosed so early, I think I always look at them a little funny. Why wouldn't I, as a mother, do everything in my power to help him succeed and feel good about himself? Why wouldn't I give him something that his brain chemistry is so clearly lacking? If he was a diabetic, would I deny him insulin? NO? Then why is ADHD any different?